Be yourself.

“The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position.” -  Leo Buscaglia.

There isn't a lot that makes me sadder than seeing people change who they are in an attempt to fit in with the crowd and/or be accepted. While I was at school, I let myself be bullied into trying to do so after being accused of copying someone else (contradictory, I know) and ended up being miserable. To top it off, the copycat accusations got worse. I couldn't win. I was in a lose-lose situation.

In the end, I was tired of pretending to be someone I'm not and started being myself. As I expected, I received a lot of backlash like I had before but this time, I persisted. I refused to back down and go back to pretending to be someone I'm not. Eventually, he backlash stopped. It took several months, though.

I refuse to limit my interests. I'm a meatlhead but I also adore make-up, nail polish and Hello Kitty along with so much more. So what? I know exactly who I am and what I like and if that makes me a freak, so be it. I refuse to change who I am to please other people.

Be yourself and nothing less. If the people in your life deserve to be in it, they'll accept you as you are. If not, that's their problem. Not yours.

Embrace who you are. There will never be another you in the world.

Today's achievement.

I'm frightened of phone calls and avoid taking/making them where possible. Sometimes, though, I have to. If I had my own way, I never would.

The EP for Paradise (What About Us?) by Within Temptation was released on iTunes yesterday and my dad kindly bought me a giftcard so I could get it but before I could, I was asked the answers to my security questions. Sadly, I couldn't remember the answers so I looked up what to do.

It turned out I had to phone Apple Support in order to reset my security questions. It made me feel physically sick. I wanted to start crying.

This afternoon, I took the plunge and went to the support section of their website. I hovered the Talk To Apple Support Now button and pressed it. I got a call immediately.

The advisor I got was brilliant. I managed to reset my security questions and bought Paradise (What About Us?) EP immediately along with some songs by other bands.

I ended up looking on Argos and found the 3D Hello Kitty mug I had wanted for a while at a reduced price so I decided to get it as a little reward to myself.

In case anyone's interested, the app I used is called Afterlight.

I'm so proud of myself right now. I'll leave you with the video for Paradise (What About Us?). The EP contains three demos from the band's upcoming album. Listen to it in full on Spotify and if you like what you hear, buy it. As far as I'm aware, it's only available on iTunes so if you don't already have an account there, you'll have to create one.

Today's therapy session.

I only managed to sleep for three hours last night. Still, I managed to get myself out of bed and ready for therapy this afternoon.

Today, my therapist and I spoke about another traumatic event in my life which is a huge contributing factor to my PTSD and she told me that even though she was trained not to share her opinions because it's not part of her job, what happened wasn't my fault. I showed her a few of my blog posts from last week, discussed my safety plan that's in place whenever I feel like taking my own life and my commitment to recovery. She told me she's proud of me for continuing to go to therapy despite the thought of leaving the house making me feel sick.

She brought up the possibility of me trying EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) last week and after researching it, I came to the conclusion that it sounds like it'll be beneficial for me. I told her this afternoon and she said she'll talk to the woman who deals with all of the therapy about it again and get back to me during the next session.

Just before I left, she gave me a letter about our work together so far which acknowledged my progress and hard work. I really don't think I've progressed but it's nice to be told that I have anyway.

Worsening.

I'm getting worse.

I'm seeing my therapist today but she's on holiday next week for three weeks so it means I don't have to leave the house. I'm still refusing to see my friends.

I feel half dead and half suffocating. Living isn't at all appealing right now.

Week in photographs.

I started The Perks of Being a Wallflower on Monday morning but couldn't get into it at all. I found it far too dull and pretentious. I gave up halfway through which I rarely do.

Series one of Game of Thrones started repeating on Sky Atlantic a few weekends ago and I've been recording it as I don't own it yet. It's my second rewatch and I love it even more than I did before. I think it's partly because of all the details I didn't see before and partly because I don't have to work out who everyone is.

I started reading Looking for Alaska on Wednesday evening and finished it on Thursday morning. It's so gripping and relatable. I didn't go to sleep until 9:30am yesterday because I couldn't bring myself to put it down. I HIGHLY recommend it. One quote in particular got to me.

"'Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die."- Alaska Young.

My iPhone 4 automatically installed iOS 7 yesterday and so far, I can't say I have any complaints. I was extremely worried about it slowing my phone down and it hasn't. Nyan Cat: Lost in Space does lag slightly at first but it sorts itself out fairly quickly. As for battery life, I can't comment yet but it seems to be okay. I do miss iOS 6, though.

I hope everyone had a good week!

On lonliness and disconnection.

I feel so disconnected from the world. I live inside my own little world most of the time. I watch others have lives and I'm here trapped. I manage to get out of the house but the feeling never goes away. No matter where I go, it always feel as though I'm a mere bystander looking through a window.

I loved being at college because it meant I could forget everything, immerse myself in studying and actually be in the world for once but I had to leave early last year and haven't studied since.

In a way, it was a good thing because it meant I had no choice but to tackle my issues head-on as I was running away from them but I hate it. I have too much time to think even with a schedule in place.

I'm what you could call popular but recently, I've been turning down a lot of invitations from friends to go out with them. I have one that I usually have crazy nights out with and not too long ago, I'd always say yes without a second thought but I've been rejecting all of his invitations in the last month or so because I simply don't want to go anywhere. On average, I see one or two friends a week but sometimes, I can't even handle seeing one.

I stayed with one of my (now-ex) best friends overnight last week and I couldn't sleep because she had an argument with her mother about her boyfriend earlier that night but that doesn't bear any relevance to this post. I may post about it in more detail another time. I may not. I don't know.

Anyway, I couldn't handle it anymore and called my mum at 6am in the morning in tears begging to come home. That's when I realised just how bad it's become.

It doesn't matter if I'm spending time with someone or not. I'm always lonely. It's such a contradiction. I'm frightened of being alone yet spending time with someone doesn't do much. It mostly just feels like I'm in a room with somebody. That's it. Nothing more.

I'm so unhappy. I want nothing more than to be able to do something about it but beyond what I'm already doing, there's nothing I can do. It's all slipping through my fingers like sand.

I fought to get this far but for what? Right now, it feels like absolutely nothing.

I'm losing the will to live.

As always, feel free to leave a comment if you want to but if you're disrespectful, I will delete your comment.

Inspirational People #3.

Tatiana Maslany

Source: tatiana-maslany.net

I did an Inspirational People post less than a week ago but I'm doing another one now. You'll see why in a minute.

I was going to start writing about Tatiana next month but seeing as Orphan Black is finally airing here on BBC Three on Friday, I've decided to do it this week instead because what better time is there? Not that it's ever a bad time to talk about her of course.

I first discovered her on Tumblr earlier this year when Orphan Black started on BBC America in March. Every single time I was on my dashboard, something from Orphan Black would pop up. One of my best friends is also a fan and was pushing me to watch it so after a while, I gave in and watched it. I loved it so much that it made it into my top five shows before the first episode was over. I became hooked and ended up finishing the entire show in one go because I simply couldn't bring myself to stop watching it.

Anyway. Getting on with it.

1) I simply cannot make a post about her without talking about how talented she is. Come on! She plays several different clones!

I adore how dedicated she is to each clone. Not only does she have playlists and dances for each one, she's created different signatures for each of them. Her dedication is outstanding. How she didn't get nominated for an Emmy, I'll never know.

2) She's upbeat. Watch any interview with her and/ or go over to her Twitter account and you'll see what I'm talking about.

3) She's great with her fans. I've read several different fan encounters with her and all of them have been extremely positive. Not only that, I've seen her reply to fans on Twitter and give them motivation when they tell her they've got something coming up.

If you're in the UK and haven't yet watched Orphan Black, I highly recommended doing so. It's going to air on BBC Three on Friday evenings at 9pm with a doube-bill but if you can't wait, the first episode is already on BBC iPlayer.

Now to decide which cake to buy for when it starts...

Links

Her Twitter account
Her Instagram

A quick mini review of A Feast for Crows.

A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I was really nervous about reading this book after reading all the bad reviews about it.

However, I was pleasantly surprised. I especially adored Cersei's POV chapters as you really get to know her character more in-depth in comparison to the previous three books. Do I condone her actions? Absolutely not but I understand why she takes them. At one point, I actually had to put down my Kindle and started crying. Her story is one of the most heartbreaking of ASoIaF.

Enough about Cersei before I go on about her too much. I love her so I can easily talk about her for ages. I loved Arya's journey throughout the book. I missed Tyrion and Jon of course but I was surprised I didn't miss Daenerys all that much. She's a good character, don't get me wrong but I'm starting to get care less and less about her. I can't tell if it's due to the writing or if her character is wearing thin but either way, I don't care for her as much as I used to.

There were some parts I didn't care for and found dull but overall, I loved it. Don't be put off by the bad reviews. Just make sure you don't expect it to move the same way to the previous three books as the pacing is very different. Keep that in mind and you should be fine.

View all my reviews

Inspirational People #2.

Anette Olzon

Source: Kerrang! magazine. Issue and photographer unknown.

I first discovered her when Nightwish announced her as their new vocalist in May 2007. I loved her immediately and soon, I began preferring her over Tarja Turunen (their original vocalist). I swore that I'd never prefer one singer over the other but she won me over.

I've been fortunate enough to have seen them twice with her. Once at Carling Birmingham Academy on 28th March 2008 and at Brixton Academy on 11th March 2009. Both shows were breathtaking. At the Brixton Academy show, Nightwish performed Dead Boy's Poem (the first time it had ever been performed with her) and while I've never been a fan of it on CD because I've always found Tarja's voice too cold for it, I cried as soon as Anette started singing it.

Sadly, she left the band last year. I woke up to text messages from three different friends about it. I thought "No. Please be trolling me. Please please please." I turned on my computer and immediately went to their Facebook page only to see it was true. She had left the band.

I started sobbing. I thought I was devastated about Tarja's departure (I was a fan at the time) but this was a whole other level. I was absolutely heartbroken. I cried for twelve hours straight and then on/off for the next. I couldn't believe it.

Why do I love her?

1) She's extremely caring. There are countless examples of this but I'll share just one.

On her old blog last year, she spoke about bullying and encouraged us readers to share their stories and support each other. She always looks at comments before publishing them so it was a safe place for us to talk about our experiences and not worry about being judged.

I shared my story and a few days later, a friend of mine told me that she replied to me so I rushed off to read what she had said.

Escapeofthedoll; Hi! And I so sorry to hear you still suffer from the bullying, but I do understand cause I never forget it either. But I am happy that you didn’t succeed your suicide attempts. Cause you are needed here! As I have said to others here, we all have a special place and mission in this world! Don’t let them win! Don’t give them that! Then they win! Please try and beat the eating disorder, I know its a really hard thing to beat, but there are help to get. Your life will be much better if you can beat it! I send lots of strengthening hugs to you! Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for still being here in this world! Love and hugs!

I was in tears before I had finished reading it. I couldn't believe one of my idols had replied and told me to beat it. She didn't have to acknowledge my message yet she did and took the time to reply to me.

2) Her voice is fantastic. She's versatile but it's not to everyone's taste and unfortunately, she's received a lot of hate over the years mainly because she's not Tarja.

During her time with Nightwish, she went from strength to strength and by the time Imaginaerum was released, she had improved massively. If you listen to it, you'll hear just how versatile she is.

3) She's protective of her children and refuses to show their faces.

Those are just a few reasons she inspires me. If I listed every single reason, I dread to think how long I would've spent on this post!

Links:

Her current blog

Her old blog

Her clothes store

Bitter Ruin - Diggers

I first discovered the Brighton duo in April 2010 when they opened for Amanda Palmer during her UK tour. They won me over before they finished the first song of their set and I've been a huge fan ever since. In fact, I went to Amanda's intimate show at The Underworld a few days after the Koko show mainly so I could see them live again and was lucky enough to meet them afterwards. I learnt that not only are they extremely talented, they're absolutely lovely.

Earlier this year, they set up a Kickstarter campaign to fund their new album which has since been titled WAVES. They hit their initial target in just under 12 hours. Of course, I pledged.

Three weeks ago, I got my early download of the album and was stunned by how incredible it is. Of course, I knew it would be but I didn't expect to be as incredible as it is.

The official release date isn't until next year so I can't say too much about it even though I would absolutely love to. However, I can say that it's their best release yet and you should get it when it's released.

They released this song at the same time the Kickstarter backers got their early download of WAVES after shooting a video for it at the last minute just days earlier. It's a departure from their previous sound but not to the point they aren't recognisable anymore. The best way to describe it would be is that it's tighter and smoother in comparison to their older material.

If you like this and become interested in listening to more of their songs, I personally recommend starting off with A Brand New Me, Beware and Trust but you don't necessarily need to. You can watch the videos for them on their official YouTube channel which I'll link to at the end of this post.

Links:

Official Site
Facebook
Twitter
YouTube
Bandcamp

30 facts about me.

I've seen a number of my friends doing these so I decided to try it for myself. I attempted to pick the less commonly known ones in order to challenge myself a bit more and to make this post slightly more interesting to read.

I find it difficult to even come up with 10 facts about myself, nevermind 30. Let's see how this goes...

30 facts about me.

1) I'm an only child.

2) I have a BTEC First Diploma in Media Studies.

3) One of my guilty pleasures is watching Don't Tell The Bride. Why? I have absolutely no idea.

4) I'm fanatical about tea. I even have my own shelf for it in the kitchen. It's usually full but that doesn't stop me from buying more tea whenever I can.

5) I live on Costa's frosted mint hot chocolate during the Christmas season.

6) I have a variety of interests and refuse to limit myself. I like what I like. Popularity (or the lack of it) is irrelevant to me.

7) I'm not adventurous when it comes to eating out. If I find something I like, I'll have the same thing every single time. This applies everywhere.

8) I will always love children's television. Horrible Histories (one of my favourite shows) recently ended and I can't tell you how upset I was when I found out the fifth series was to be the last.

9) I use lavender drops on my pillow every night to help me sleep.

10) I sleep with three pillows and a Miffy cushion at night.

11) I have never liked thinking too far into the future. I much prefer to live in the moment and see what each day brings.

12) I've lived in London all of my life and have a love/hate relationship with it. Every so often, I'll leave for a short while but I can never see myself leaving permanently. It's home.

13) I absolutely cannot stand mushrooms.

14) I have four Spotify accounts. If I use up my ten hours of music each month (which usually happens), I can just log on to another account.

15) I'm highly opinionated but I will always try my best to be well-informed before sharing my opinions.

16) I'm a feminist.

17) I have a Kindle but I still love and purchase physical books.

18) I get headaches a lot so I always have painkillers in my bag.

19) I'm a huge fan of soundtracks.

20) I'm fascinated by taxidermy.

21) I don't need to wear glasses all the time but I do anyway because they've become a huge part of my image and act as a shield.

22) My main drinks of choice are Jägermeister & lemonade and gin & lemonade.

23) I'm always looking for sales, offers and/or items at a reduced price. I don't mind paying full price but it feels good to be able to find something cheaper and/or get more for your money. I always take advantage of the Illamasqua sales.

24) I ADORE Belgain chocolate. Get me some and chances are I'll love you forever.

25) I'm an organised person, especially when it comes to the apps on my phone. I die a little inside whenever I see someone's phone apps scattered everywhere. Unfortunately, my bedroom is an entirely different story.

26) I never got into Supernatural. I tried to but I couldn't connect with it.

27) I drink a lot of water. I always have a bottle with me.

28) I don't take milk or sugar in my tea and always get odd looks whenever I tell people.

29) I'm a carbohydrate fiend.

30) I can easily pass for someone who isn't on the Autistic spectrum and have actually been accused of lying about being Autistic when I tell people because of it.

I've done it! I didn't think I'd even make it halfway through.

I hope everyone enjoyed reading these!

Week in photographs.

I apologise for not blogging this week. I've been busy and I haven't had the time.

I started reading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green on Monday morning even though I was still reading A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin and finished it early Thursday morning. If you haven't already read it, I highly recommended doing so. Just make sure you have tissues nearby! It's heartbreaking.

I had two appointments on Monday. I saw my therapist in the morning and my psychiatrist three hours later. As predicted, both appointments were emotionally taxing so I decided to meet up with my mum afterwards and go to Superdrug as a reward for going through two appointments hours apart. She ended up buying me three nail polishes and also spoilt me with chocolate milk, chocolate cake and a lovely ready meal from Marks & Spencer.

From left to right: Neptune Sea magnetic, Cosmic Glow magnetic, Moon Dust magnetic, Raspberry, Gelly Guava and Black Magic instant nail effects.

I finished A Feast for Crows on Wednesday and started A Dance With Dragons: Dreams and Dust by George. R.R. Martin straight after. I'm not too far in yet but so far, I'm liking it.

On Saturday evening, Bitter Ruin announced a free acoustic show at The Sebright Arms in Bethnal Green and being a huge fan, how could I miss it? They were even more incredible than they were at The Garage on Saturday. If you can see them live, take the opportunity and do so. You'll leave in awe.

I'm still working on my post about them so keep an eye out.

Inspirational People #1.

I've decided to do one post every week or two about someone who inspires me.

Before I babble on any further, this one is about Lena Headey.

Source: Unknown.

I first discovered her in 2007 when St. Trinians was released. I loved everything about her performance and made sure to look into a work a bit further.

For some reason, I didn't watch anything she was in for a while but I became a fan of Game of Thrones earlier this year and fell in love with her all over again.

There are so many reasons I love her but I'll only list a few. If I listed them all, I'd be here all day.

1) She's eccentric and hilarious. My favourite interview with her is on the Craig Ferguson show of May this year and they had a conversation as though nobody else was there. You can watch it here. You can also follow her Twitter account for the eccentric/hiliarious she says if you don't already.

2) Her acting is outstanding. She puts 100% into everything she does.

 Unfortunately, her film choices are very hit and miss. Her acting is consistently brilliant but her film choices, however, are not. My favourites with her in are Imagine Me & You, Dredd and St. Trinians.

3) She's caring. This in particular got to me.

Screenshot kindly taken by one of my best friends.

In May, she was announced to appear at London Film and Comic Con on 6th July. I proceeded to freak out and ran around the house screaming. My mum and dad asked what had happened and once I told them, my dad immediately offered to pay for my photoshoot and entry ticket both of which were ordered the next day.

After what seemed like months, the day finally arrived. I wasn't able to sleep from excitement and ended up spending the night on Skype talking to one of my best friends about it.

I got the train to the venue at 7am and arrived an hour later. The queue was huge. It was snaking around the building.

At 10:15am, I joined the queue for her photoshoot and started talking to two other fans who told me they met her last year and that she was lovely so I'd be fine. It didn't ease my nerves, though. I got nervous to the point I was shaking.

Before I knew it, it was my turn to have my photo taken. I somehow managed to find the strength to ask if I could hug her for the photo and she said "YES!!!" so enthusiastically it was almost as though I didn't need to ask and she threw her arms round me. After the photo was taken, she said that she loved my cat ears and wanted to steal them.

Lena and I.

Afterwards, I bought an autograph protector case for my photograph and got a VQ (virtual queue) ticket for her autograph which I wasn't going to do but she was so wonderful during the photoshoot I knew I'd kick myself if I didn't meet her again.

I'm so glad I did. A few hours later, I went to her table, paid and chose the picture I wanted to get signed. Lena remembered me from the photoshoot and I asked her to write something on the picture. She ended up writing "Wanna lick your ears!" in reference to my cat ears and asked if it made sense. I then held her hand without thinking but instead of getting creeped out, she held mine in return.

A friend of mine had arrived an hour earlier and stayed with me while I got Lena's autograph. After we left her table, she was gushing about just how lovely Lena was.

My autograph from her.

She's done a LOT for me this year alone. She didn't have to be so kind to me when I met her yet she was. Because of the nature of cons, she didn't have much time to spend with each fan but she used the time she did have wisely.

She's also an extremely positive person and always manages to make my day just that bit brighter and because of her, I've made several friends who I'm so lucky to have in my life.

This post has gone on long enough so I'll end it here. I hope you all enjoyed reading it!

Week in photographs.

Unfortunately, last week wasn't a good one for me so I couldn't do a week in photographs post. Thankfully, this week has been slightly better, if not uneventful.

After therapy on Monday afternoon, I saw a friend of mine for the first time since November and had a lovely time with her. We spent around two hours in Regents Park before going to Primrose Hill. The time just flew by. I can't wait to see her again.

On Wednesday, I had to get some stuff done and ended up popping into Boots. I had a look at the Barry M section which didn't have much choice in comparison to my local Superdrug. They did, however, have a "buy one get one half price" offer and because their selection wasn't huge, deciding what to get wasn't too difficult. I went with the white nail art pen and Gelly polish in Pomegranate. I can't wait to try them out!

Just before I went to pay, I came across Colgate One Max toothpaste and saw that they were giving away a full-sized bottle of red Nails Inc polish exclusive to the offer. Of course, I took advantage even though I already had toothpaste. You can either get the nail polish in a glossy or metallic finish. I went with the metallic finish as I've been loving metallic polishes recently.

I'm completely aware that nail polish is an odd thing to give away with toothpaste but being a nail polish junkie, how could I resist?

Yesterday, my copy of WAVES by Bitter Ruin arrived! I received my early download link nearly two weeks ago but I'm overjoyed to have it on CD. I love how Ben's autograph is gold and Georgia's is silver. It adds a rather nice touch. 

Speaking of Bitter Ruin, I'm working on a post about them and I plan to publish it early next week so keep an eye out for it.

I hope you've all had a good week!

Who cares but sorrow when you're down and close to nothing?

Post title taken from Antidotes In Passing by Soilwork.

I can feel my control slipping away from me. I've been having nightmares all week and I'm frightened of being alone. The thought of leaving the house terrifies me to no end. My appetite has decreased to the point the thought of food makes me feel sick. The only reason I'm eating at all is because I'll pass out if I don't.

Time to write the letter my therapist told me to write. 

Here's the song the post title is taken from.