I only got three hours of sleep last night and ended up having nightmares. I can't remember exactly what happened in them. All I remember is that they were related to last week's realisation.

Therapy was horrible today. I kept going in circles for the entire hour. My therapist is lovely but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Nothing ever will.

I want to get out of the house and escape yet the thought of leaving it makes me feel sick with dread.

I can't stand being so weak.

I'm so weak.

During therapy last week, I came to one of the most painful realisations I've ever had. I won't be talking about it here but what I will say is that I took it in my stride and got on with life as usual. I refused to let it get me down. In turn, I thought it would be okay.

Wrong.

It's beginning to set in. I haven't been able to get my mind off it all day. I was texting a friend of mine today as we have plans for tomorrow and instead of it being exciting, it felt like a chore. If merely texting is a chore for me, how will I cope with seeing him?

Drinking myself into oblivion and sleeping so I don't have to think is so tempting. I can't stand being so weak. 

I feel completely lost right now.

Week in photographs.

Last week was horrible but this week, I pulled myself together and got on with doing what I needed to do.

After therapy on Monday, I went to Superdrug to get some hair dye and also picked up two eyeshadow trios by MUA. I had heard good things about their make-up from a friend of mine and as the eyeshadow only cost £2.50 each, I figured that it wouldn't be a huge waste of money if I ended up not liking them.

However, I tried them out when I got home and was stunned by how good the staying power is. I would recommend using eyeshadow primer underneath it, though. It'll fade extremely quickly otherwise. I'm definitely getting more eyeshadow trios from them in the near future. That's how impressed I am.

In case anyone's interested, I got Pink Sorbet and Chocolate Box.

Last week, I entered a competition on Twinings to win a box of one of their Everyday teas. I forgot about it but on Saturday evening, I was looking at my e-mail inbox and saw that I won a box. Of course, I ordered it straight away. There were four to choose from so it was a difficult decision but I ended up going with the peppermint blend.

It arrived on Wednesday just before I went out and I tried it when I got home. I love it! Once again, Twinings have managed to get the balance right.

I spent Wednesday afternoon at Caffe Nero with one of my best friends catching up and chain-smoking. I had a slice of red velvet cake, dark chocolate & truffle cheesecake, a mint milkshake and pots of Earl Grey, English Breakfast and green tea. I also had a bit of my friend's strawberry shortcake which was absolutely lovely. I've now made trying all of the cakes there (with the exception of their cappuccino one as I hate coffee) a goal.

Unfortunately, tea isn't one of Caffe Nero's strengths. Their cakes, however, are a completely different story.

I saw another friend yesterday evening and went to a bar/restaurant in Soho for shots and dinner before heading off to Ed's Diner for rum & dark chocolate alcoshakes. Neither of us like the food much but love the alcoshakes. It's a shame there are only two.

I hope this week has treated everyone well!

Week in photographs.

Unfortunately, this week wasn't a good one for me it's been uneventful.

On Monday, I went to the library and hired Les Misérables and Dark Shadows. I haven't watched Dark Shadows yet but I watched Les Mis on Tuesday and while I knew it'd be good, I didn't expect to love it as much as I do. I plan to see the musical next year for sure.

I also took out Tales from the Perilous Realm by J.R.R. Tolkien. I haven't started it yet due to lack of motivation this week. Thankfully, I have it for a while so there's still time to start and I can renew it if I need to so I'm not worried.

On Wednesday, I felt so rotten that I watched Imagine Me & You twice. It's in my top five films and one of only two rom coms I like.

I hope everyone's had a good week!

Shattered.

I can't bring myself to get out of bed today. I missed my recovery group this morning but I can't bring myself to care.

Exhausted.

As you probably saw, last night was terrible. I ended up feeling half outside of my body and half trapped inside it. Each thought I had scrambled together into one so I couldn't tell anything apart. Everything but my hands felt paralysed.

I didn't get up until 3pm today and have spent the afternoon downstairs and watched Imagine Me & You. I'm now watching Doctor Who.

I still feel absolutely rotten.

i need a cigarette but can't fucking move anyrghing butg my hands and my thoughts are still running fuck fuck fuck fuck

Every single thought is b,ending together I can't tell one apart from the other i'm drifting this is FUCKED I'M FUCKED. i'M HALF GONE AND HALF TRAPPED HERE.

On motivation and accomplishment.

Image taken from Daily Positive Quotes.

Last night was horrible. My back hurt and my right knee was playing up to the point my entire leg was numb. Painkillers did nothing to relieve the pain.

I ended up only having four hours of sleep and woke up two hours before my appointment with my therapist. The temptation to go back to sleep was overwhelming but somehow, I managed to find the motivation to get out of bed.

Even though I had managed to get out of bed, I still didn't know if I was feeling up to going to my appointment. I needed to wash my hair anyway, though, so I had a shower and decided that I may as well go. I was worried about time as it was less than an hour before my appointment and I like making sure I have enough time to get there. Thankfully, my dad kindly offered to drive me there so I took up the offer.

I made it to my appointment with time to spare so I checked in, sat down and waited. My appointment hadn't even started yet and I already felt a sense of pride at being able to get out of bed, nevermind getting dressed and leaving the house.

My appointment went extremely well. Last week, my therapist drew a jigsaw puzzle about all the issues I raised during our first session which we'll be adding to during our time together if necessary.

Today, we discussed the negative thoughts I had on Friday, Saturday and yesterday as a result of not being busy. We ended up discussing so many subjects in relation to them I can't remember everything that was said.

My therapist is lovely. I'm really glad I got her.

Afterwards, I decided to reward myself for going to my appointment despite feeling horrible by renting Dark Shadows and Les Misérables from the library as I needed to go there to return Frankenweenie anyway. I love going there. It's never busy so it's always relaxing. I also took out Tales from the Perilous Realm by J.R.R Tolkien.

It's important to reward yourself for accomplishing something, even if it's something small such as making yourself a cup of tea or reading a book. We often forget that the small things do matter. Even if you only manage to get out of bed despite being really tired, you've accomplished something.

Today's been one huge success. I'm so proud of everything I've accomplished today.

Weekend in photographs.

Yesterday, I made Twinings Peach & Cherry Blossom green tea and watch Dredd on the huge television downstairs. We have a home cinema as well but it's too boomy for me so I watched it on the Blu Ray player. It's one of my favourite films so I was happy to curl up on the sofa and watch it while drinking tea.

My mum and dad bought Pizza Express margarita pizza from Sainsbury's with garlic bread so we had that for dinner with BBQ chicken goujons while watching Doctor Who. We're currently rewatching the fourth series which happens to be my favourite Doctor Whoseries.

The more I watch the Russell T Davies era of Doctor Who, the more I realise how downhill it's gone since he left and Steven Moffat took over. It's still my favourite show but if I said I loved the direction it's taken, I'd be lying.

I downloaded an app for my phone called Effing Weather. Unfortunately, the default background is bright yellow (oh, how I hate yellow) but you can upload your own.

Pssttt. I'm one of those cowards that eats mild salsa. Well, on the rare occasion I do. I've never been a fan of salsa.

I've had a TARDIS bathrobe since February but unfortunately, the back of it started coming away a few months ago so I contacted the BBC Shop who told me to send it back to them for a replacement. I did but after a week, I hadn't heard anything from them so I phoned and they said that the TARDIS bathrobes were out of stock and they weren't expecting any more until October. Frustrating but I was willing to wait.

Imagine my surprise when a parcel from the BBC Shop arrived three weeks ago and a new bath robe was inside it. I was so excited but when I took it out to wear it, I automatically recoiled. The material felt horrible. I'm Autistic and because of that, I have sensory issues which means I can't handle a lot of textures and scents. I plan to blog about that separately in the near future, though, so keep an eye out for that.

Not only that, when I tried it on, it wouldn't even go round me. I haven't gained weight since having to send my other one back so it wasn't anything to do with me but it was still extremely upsetting.

I called the BBC Shop again the next day and they were extremely sympathetic about it. Yesterday, I went downstairs to get breakfast and found a huge parcel from the BBC Shop. Guess what was inside it? A TARDIS bathrobe of course! I haven't even gotten round to sending the other one back so I was surprised to say the least.

The material on this one is the same one as my old one which I'm extremely pleased about. The cut is slightly different but it more than goes round me so it's finally sorted after what feels like a long time. The BBC Shop have been excellent so I'll be writing a little thank you note when I return the other bathrobe to them.

Unfortunately, this weekend has been a rather miserable one overall. I'm tempted to cancel my appointment with my therapist so I can spend all the entirely day in bed but I have to return Frankenweenie to the library so I can't.

I hope everyone's weekend has been better than mine!

Normal is not the norm. It's just a uniform...

Post title taken from the song We Are The Others by Delain.

I vividly remember the day the news of Sophie Lancaster's death broke out. I was saddened, shocked and disgusted. How could anyone attack someone based on their appearance alone?

I'm sure the majority of you already know the story of Sophie Lancaster but in case you don't, I'll talk about it here briefly.

Six years ago today, she was attacked by a group of teenagers in Stubbylee Park in Bacup, Lancashire while trying to protect her boyfriend Robert Maltby after he had been knocked unconscious by said group. The reason for the attack? Their appearance.

Robert survived but unfortunately, she didn't. She went into a coma, never regained consciousness and died just under two weeks later as a result of her injuries.

After her death, the Sophie Lancaster Foundation was set up by her mother, Sylvia Lancaster. The work that's been done since is incredible. It's just extremely tragic that it took someone's death for awareness to start being raised.

R.I.P Sophie. We will never forget. We will never stop fighting.

Links:

S.O.P.H.I.E Twitter account.

Sophie Lancaster Foundation website.

The Sophie Lancaster Foundation Facebook page.

A day of rest.

This week has been extremely busy so I decided to take today off and not do much.

I didn't set my alarm on my phone last night so I woke up at 2:30pm and spent the day reading (I'm currently reading A Feast for Crows by George R.R. Martin), watching television and listening to music.

I do feel somewhat refreshed but at the same time, I've had too much time to think and as usual, I found myself diving into negative thoughts which I haven't had this week because I was so busy. Having too much time to think has never done me any good.

Now to watch Dredd, do some more reading and hopefully sleep.

Week in photographs.

Every Friday, I'll be doing a post showing a portion of my week in photographs. I consider the weekend to be separate so every so often, I'll be doing a weekend in photographs post.

After therapy on Monday, I went to Yoomoo and got a large chocolate frozen yogurt topped with chocolate brownies, mini chocolate buttons and chocolate covered honeycomb pieces. It's a self serve place where they charge you by weight so it ended up being extremely expensive. It was lovely, though, so it was worth it.

Later that day, I went to Waterstones. I can never go into Waterstones and not leave with a book and it was no different. I tried to resist. I really did. Hannibal started earlier this year and has made its way into my top five shows. It sparked my interest in the films (I still haven't seen Red Dragon, though) and then the books. I don't think I'll be reading it for a while as I'm currently reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin (I'm on A Feast for Crows at the moment which is the fourth book) and I plan to read several other books afterwards.

My problem with books is that I buy them faster than I can read them. Ah, the life of a bookworm.

During the evening, my mum had to go out to do a mini food shop with my dad and brought me back the green polka dot dress I had been wanting. This is the third dress she's bought for me in the past month.

I was never a dress person but I've started finding jeans and a top uncomfortable in the hot weather and dresses have ended up being the only items of clothing I'm comfortable in during the summer. Apart from pajamas of course but I can't wear them out unfortunately.

It's safe to say that I now love dresses. If I was wealthy, I'd have so many that I'd need a second wardrobe.

My headphones stopped working properly last week so I ordered Urbanears Plattan headphones in Grape from Amazon after reading good reviews and also ended up ordering Imagine Me & You and Dredd. 

They arrived on Wednesday and because of that, I can't give a full verdict on the headphones. However, I'm extremely impressed so far. When I've had them for a bit longer, though, I plan to attempt to review them. I'm not good at reviews, though, so it probably won't happen.

I hope you've all had a good week!

20 things I'd tell my 20-year-old self.

I posted this on Tumblr two weeks ago and thought it'd be relevant to this blog so I'm posting it here, too. Personal growth is an extremely important subject to me so you'll see me talk about it on a semi-regular basis at the very least.

2011 was a horrible year for me. I became sicker than I had ever been, went through a nasty break up and more that I won’t discuss.

I survived it and have changed a lot since so I thought I’d do this.

1. I know you don’t want to be alone but let him go. Your relationship is gone. It’ll almost kill you but you’ll make it through alive.
2. Don’t push the break up to the back of your mind. I know you’ll be loaded with college work but make some time for yourself so you can work through it.
3. You’ll meet Nightwish next year.
4. Stop running away from your problems. You’re only making things worse for yourself.
5. Zyprexa will make you gain weight in an extremely short amount of time and turn you robotic. Don’t be scared to ask for something that won’t make you gain weight.
6. Your make-up and nail polish collection will become ridiculous over the next two years.
7. Stop trying to compete with other people. You’re your own person.
8. It’s okay to be single.
9. I know this is impossible to believe but you’ll get on with your parents one day, I promise.
10. You hate Doctor Who but it’ll become your favourite show next year.
11. You won’t be able to understand how you lived on Diet Coke for so long.
12. You’ll end up with a brilliant psychiatrist who will actually listen to what you have to say.
13. You’re going to become attached to fictional characters.
14. You’ll get bored of having dark hair.
15. The person you call your best friend will leave you but it won’t be life-shattering as you imagine it to be because you have the strength to cope with it without self-destructing.
16. You’re going to grow as a person and change in such a short amount of time that you won’t notice for a while.
17. You’re going to meet some wonderful new people.
18. You look lovely without needing to straighten your hair all the time.
19. One of your idols will call you beautiful.
20. Drinking constantly will end up being extremely boring.

The inner child.

Anyone who knows me will know that even though I'm 22, I still love "childish" things such as Disney, Hello Kitty, Miffy, Sanrio, Moomins and watching films that are "made for kids".

For me, it's a form of escapism. Sometimes, things get too hard for me to cope so stepping back into a part of my childhood helps a lot. It allows me to unwind and feel a sense of safety.

I've seen too many people say that their families don't understand it but I've been really fortunate when it's come to mine who are all extremely supportive about it and even encourage it. My father is turning 58 later this month and is a big kid at heart.

Never reject your inner child. There's absolutely nothing wrong with loving things that are "childish" and in no way does it make you immature or stupid. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Hey!

My track record for keeping blogs outside of Tumblr is absolutely dreadful. I don't know why but I lose focus after a while and give up.

This time, though, I'm planning to change that and have planned what I'll be blogging about. I'll be blogging about mental illness, recovery, music, television shows, beauty and anything that comes up in my life that I feel the need to write about.

Thanks for stopping by and feel free to leave a comment.