Back to the usual.

Last week was horrific. I was a complete mess. I barely functioned. Thankfully, I picked back up slightly on Saturday and therapy resumed today so things have gotten back to normal.

The clinical psychologist wanted to see me for five minutes about what happened last time I was there (read about it at this link if you don't already know) and asked if her or my therapist could've done anything differently but they couldn't have.

EMDR isn't an option for the time being which is understandable. I told the clinical psychologist I wanted to keep that option open along with all others and she agreed to. In fact, she was extremely happy about it.

Afterwards, I saw my therapist and we discussed it further before moving on to discussing what the past two weeks were like (last week especially). She told me that I have a certain maturity that a lot of people my age don't have because of everything I've had to go through and am still dealing with.

We also discussed me comparing myself to other people and ended up having a really interesting discussion about social networking, the media and their influences on our lives. However, because it started towards the end of our session, we're going to continue it next week.

On a different note, I received a text from one of my best friends afterwards telling me he was okay. I had texted him on Thursday asking when he was returning to England and received no reply. I started worrying so I texted him again last night and asked him to text me so I knew he was okay. It turns out that he had replied to my first text but it didn't get through.

I’m so relieved.

Today's therapy session.

I only managed to sleep for three hours last night. Still, I managed to get myself out of bed and ready for therapy this afternoon.

Today, my therapist and I spoke about another traumatic event in my life which is a huge contributing factor to my PTSD and she told me that even though she was trained not to share her opinions because it's not part of her job, what happened wasn't my fault. I showed her a few of my blog posts from last week, discussed my safety plan that's in place whenever I feel like taking my own life and my commitment to recovery. She told me she's proud of me for continuing to go to therapy despite the thought of leaving the house making me feel sick.

She brought up the possibility of me trying EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) last week and after researching it, I came to the conclusion that it sounds like it'll be beneficial for me. I told her this afternoon and she said she'll talk to the woman who deals with all of the therapy about it again and get back to me during the next session.

Just before I left, she gave me a letter about our work together so far which acknowledged my progress and hard work. I really don't think I've progressed but it's nice to be told that I have anyway.

On motivation and accomplishment.

Image taken from Daily Positive Quotes.

Last night was horrible. My back hurt and my right knee was playing up to the point my entire leg was numb. Painkillers did nothing to relieve the pain.

I ended up only having four hours of sleep and woke up two hours before my appointment with my therapist. The temptation to go back to sleep was overwhelming but somehow, I managed to find the motivation to get out of bed.

Even though I had managed to get out of bed, I still didn't know if I was feeling up to going to my appointment. I needed to wash my hair anyway, though, so I had a shower and decided that I may as well go. I was worried about time as it was less than an hour before my appointment and I like making sure I have enough time to get there. Thankfully, my dad kindly offered to drive me there so I took up the offer.

I made it to my appointment with time to spare so I checked in, sat down and waited. My appointment hadn't even started yet and I already felt a sense of pride at being able to get out of bed, nevermind getting dressed and leaving the house.

My appointment went extremely well. Last week, my therapist drew a jigsaw puzzle about all the issues I raised during our first session which we'll be adding to during our time together if necessary.

Today, we discussed the negative thoughts I had on Friday, Saturday and yesterday as a result of not being busy. We ended up discussing so many subjects in relation to them I can't remember everything that was said.

My therapist is lovely. I'm really glad I got her.

Afterwards, I decided to reward myself for going to my appointment despite feeling horrible by renting Dark Shadows and Les Misérables from the library as I needed to go there to return Frankenweenie anyway. I love going there. It's never busy so it's always relaxing. I also took out Tales from the Perilous Realm by J.R.R Tolkien.

It's important to reward yourself for accomplishing something, even if it's something small such as making yourself a cup of tea or reading a book. We often forget that the small things do matter. Even if you only manage to get out of bed despite being really tired, you've accomplished something.

Today's been one huge success. I'm so proud of everything I've accomplished today.