On lonliness and disconnection.

I feel so disconnected from the world. I live inside my own little world most of the time. I watch others have lives and I'm here trapped. I manage to get out of the house but the feeling never goes away. No matter where I go, it always feel as though I'm a mere bystander looking through a window.

I loved being at college because it meant I could forget everything, immerse myself in studying and actually be in the world for once but I had to leave early last year and haven't studied since.

In a way, it was a good thing because it meant I had no choice but to tackle my issues head-on as I was running away from them but I hate it. I have too much time to think even with a schedule in place.

I'm what you could call popular but recently, I've been turning down a lot of invitations from friends to go out with them. I have one that I usually have crazy nights out with and not too long ago, I'd always say yes without a second thought but I've been rejecting all of his invitations in the last month or so because I simply don't want to go anywhere. On average, I see one or two friends a week but sometimes, I can't even handle seeing one.

I stayed with one of my (now-ex) best friends overnight last week and I couldn't sleep because she had an argument with her mother about her boyfriend earlier that night but that doesn't bear any relevance to this post. I may post about it in more detail another time. I may not. I don't know.

Anyway, I couldn't handle it anymore and called my mum at 6am in the morning in tears begging to come home. That's when I realised just how bad it's become.

It doesn't matter if I'm spending time with someone or not. I'm always lonely. It's such a contradiction. I'm frightened of being alone yet spending time with someone doesn't do much. It mostly just feels like I'm in a room with somebody. That's it. Nothing more.

I'm so unhappy. I want nothing more than to be able to do something about it but beyond what I'm already doing, there's nothing I can do. It's all slipping through my fingers like sand.

I fought to get this far but for what? Right now, it feels like absolutely nothing.

I'm losing the will to live.

As always, feel free to leave a comment if you want to but if you're disrespectful, I will delete your comment.